X-Factor style show to decide new Lloyd’s CEO
Lloyd’s has revealed that it will take an X-Factor style approach in its search for a new chief executive to replace Richard Ward. The Council of Lloyd’s decided on the strategy after it became clear that although there are many contenders for the position, the market wouldn’t like any of them.
By using a panel of judges and a selection method proven in the popular TV talent show, Lloyd’s feels confident that the market will accept the final outcome.
The competition will be split into three categories: solo acts 16–60s, solo acts over 60s, and Groups (including duos). A selection of auditions in front of the judges – usually the best, the worst and the most bizarre acts (female applicants) is the first stage in the process. Each “act” will enter the audition room on the 12th floor of the Lloyd’s building and deliver a stand-up, unaccompanied performance of their routine to the judges.
The judges' auditions will be held in front of a live audience and the “acts” will drone over a backing track of clinking glasses and cutlery to demonstrate their speech giving capability. If a majority of the judges stay awake then the act goes through to the next stage, otherwise they are sent back to their headhunter’s office to see if he can find them another job in the City or maybe the Caymans.
The contestants selected at auditions are further refined through a series of performances at "bootcamp" in Lloyd’s Chatham back office. A small number that survive the excruciating experience of seeing how Lloyd’s works behind the scenes eventually progress to the live finals show.
The show is primarily concerned with identifying a CEO with the potential for running the unruly 325 year old market. Speaking talent, appearance, personality, stage presence and dance routines are all important elements of the contestants' performances
A shortlist of four CEOs will go into the final show and the winner will be decided by a public vote.
Use of The X Factor selection process is likely to attract criticism partly because the excessive commercialism of the show detracts from its supposed purpose of unearthing CEO talent and even actively damages and distorts the London insurance market – and partly because the Lloyd’s insurers complain about everything to do with Lloyd’s.
But the process will also be described as a waste of members’ money when it is revealed that Nick Prettejohn has already been identified as the next Lloyd’s CEO.
Plan to demolish Monaco raises eyebrows
Controversial plans to demolish Monte Carlo announced recently by the Council of Monaco have been criticised by reinsurance groups. Reinsurance federation spokesman Pierre Gratuit-Lodeur said that reinsurers will have no-where to go if the micro state went ahead and self-destructed.
“I mean we have got used to the old place looking like a massive building site with views of the harbour totally obscured by hoardings and cement mixers running 24/7. But if they knock everything down, where will we stay? Where will we eat? Where will we drink?” Gratuit-Lodeur sobbed.
The Monaco government said earlier this year that its famous belle époque facades were outdated and that it needed to keep up with the times and broaden its appeal to young tourists and convention goers.
“Our plan is to remove eye sores like the Hotel de Paris, the Casino and the Grand Theatre and replace them all with one big enclosed convention mall structure made from smoked glass, plastic and stainless steel,” a spokeswoman told riskBITZ. “We feel the current arrangement of tired old buildings is an inefficient use of space and could be seen as too exclusive.”
The Italian architect Mario Ciao-Chessco has submitted the plans, which also include building the world’s first underwater grand prix circuit with the track placed under the sea bed encased in glass tubes. They have been widely condemned however.
Reinsurance broker Steve Grabber, a veteran of more than 20 RVS conventions said he would miss slipping down the steps to the Grand Hotel and dozing under a palm tree in the park. “But it is progress innit? Nothing lasts forever. I wish they would knock the Lloyd’s building down but it is listed. Now look lively here’s my 10 o’clock meeting…”
The news that the Rendez-Vous will be temporarily displaced by building works has prompted a number of other convention destinations to bid for the meeting. Dubai, Milton Keynes and Maastricht are all believed to be preparing bids to host the RVS while Monte Carlo is being rebuilt.
FILM REVIEW: Relysium, A+ rated
The nightmarish future of reinsurance laid bare
Relysium, the new sci-fi no action thriller currently breaking box office records across London, tells the story of a dystopian reinsurance industry and one man’s mission to set the planet to rights.
It is 2154. One hundred fifty years earlier, the once happy and content reinsurance tribes people of what is now known as Planet Gold Man Sacks have become slaves to a faceless bureaucratic dictator called E.I. Opa. After peacefully performing their reinsurance treaty rites for centuries, overseen by red faced celebrants known as brokers, the reinsurance tribe has been gradually crushed into meaningless subservience by the weight of regulation imposed on them by the dictator E.I. Opa.
Attempting to resist being suffocated by the Three Pillars regime, the reinsurance tribe plead with E.I. Opa for mercy pointing out that they have done nothing to deserve such treatment; that their rival tribe The Giant Monster Squids were responsible for destabilising the planet.
Not only does the E. I. Opa ignore the reinsurance tribe’s pleas, it watches on as the Giant Monster Squids move into the tribe’s feeding grounds, using their “Opake” technology to trade with the naive “Investors” that inhabit Shadow Banking Land.
Before the reinsurance tribe is totally deprived of its sustenance, however, a massive earthquake strikes and the Investors run screaming back to Shadow Banking Land. Enter Willi Katman, the gnomish reinsurance tribe leader who urges his countrymen to reassert his tribe’s value proposition. Cont p98