RISKbitz goes to Monte Carlo, day 3

RISKbitz goes to Monte Carlo, day 3

Reinsurance rock band to reform  

The success of the Rolling Stones at this year’s Glastonbury festival has prompted former Hoggwartz Global Insurance chief executive Dumbo Duddleston to reform his legendary rock outfit Cardiac Undercarriage. 

The band have reportedly agreed to play at a number of reinsurance festivals next year, including ReStock, Reachella, Re in the Park, Reinsurapalooza, as well as Badenbadenbury, MontecarloFest, and the Isle of Wight Captive Insurance Festival. 

Dumbo Duddleston told the media that the time was right for a reunion: “We’re all in our mid-70s, and it just felt like our time has come again. 

Of course, over 50 years in the reinsurance sector has taken its toll, but most of us are only on prescription drugs now, and to be honest, a huge rock tour will give us a chance to get fit after years of long lunches and excessive drinking.”

Although now renowned as perhaps the leading reinsurance rock band in the world (and some would argue that they invented the genre), Cardiac Undercarriage in fact began long before any of the members had become involved in the reinsurance sector. 

Legend has it that legendary lead guitarist Dumbo Duddleston (now, of course, better known as Sir Dudley “Dumbo” Duddleston, chief executive of Hoggwartz Global Insurance) met legendary frontman Nobby Johnson at a gig in a pub in Lime Street where his R&B band, Nobby and the Nobsters, were playing. 

They quickly teamed up with legendary bassist Cutty Sark (now Sir Cuthbert “Cutty” Sark, chairman and CEO of Hapless Insurance) and legendary drummer Ian Luddite (now chief executive of the legendary Luddite Agency).

The band’s seminal first album, entitled “The Seminal First Album” was a huge success worldwide, and Undercarriage were described by rock critic Charlie Max as a “systemically important” institution.

Forty-eight LPs followed, most of which were described by critics as “hugely disappointing”, apart from the critically acclaimed third album, “The Tricky Third Album”.

Hit singles included “I Can’t Get No CatXL Action”, “Let’s Spend The Contingent Commissions Together”, “Exile On Lime St”, “Lime Street Fighting Man”, “Underwriter Of The Night”, “Start Me (Sidecar) Up”, “Shake Your Slips”, “You Can’t Always Get A Combined Ratio Under 100%”, “Play With Fire Insurance”, “I’m EC3 (to Do What I Want), “Monte Carlo Casino Boogie”, “Gimme Shelter Re”, “Sympathy For The Regulator” and “Have You Seen Your Broker, Baby, Standing In The Shadow?”.

By 1969 the band was struggling with its growing reinsurance commitments and touring was only sporadic from the mid ’70s onwards. However, in the 1990s, the band had its LMX Spiral Tap tour, culminating in the now infamous gig on the roof of the Lloyd’s Building. 


Monte Carlo voices 

Lloyd’s lead underwriter Graham Glasses says he is considering wearing a disguise at Monte Carlo this year to shake off a stalker. “Just recently I noticed I was being followed around the Lloyd’s building by this chubby little old guy. Everywhere I went he followed me. It is really spooky,” said Glasses. “He has even followed me to the Rendez-Vous and seems to be noting down the names of the people I talk to.” 

Glasses described the old man as in his mid-80s and speaking with a mid-Western US accent. “He looks harmless enough with his white hair and old-skool jam jar bottom specs. Why is he following me?” When RISKbitz approached the Lloyd’s stalker he would only say, “Lookie here young fella, be fearful when others are greedsome. 

Be greedsome when others are fearful. Where’d Glasses go? To the john?”

Stung by criticism at last year’s Rendez-Vous that he is living in the past, London run-off specialist Malcolm Crumple has equipped himself with all the latest gadgets for this year’s event: “I intend to take full advantage of all the social mediums – myface, splittify etc – while in town and also keep in touch with my colleagues while we are out and about using all the new gimmicks,” Crumple shouted at RISKbitz from the window of his room in the Hotel du Maison Ripov. 

“So I have binned the walkie-talkies the chaps used last year and have left the fax machine back at the office with Linda,” he yelled.

“Instead, the old Crumple toolkit this year includes a smart telephone with plenty of credit, Google Spectacles, activity armbands, an eye-Pad and a phablet, as well as a wifey enabled digital camera… Hang on a minute, something just beeped at me… is that you Simon… speak up man…”

Bob Notches, senior analyst with rating agency AB Waite & Sea says he is keeping a low profile at the Rendez-Vous this year. “Does Monaco have an extradition treaty with the US?” he asked RISKbitz, looking around nervously. 

“I can’t believe we rating agencies are being put in the frame over the near collapse of the financial system all that time back in 2008. Jeez, all we guys do is express an opinion. Is there a law against that? Pardon me, apparently there is under the current jurisdiction!” Notches said fear of legal action means its rating outlook for the reinsurance industry will be heavily caveated. “It’s a positive outlook with devastating implications OK? Jesus, what can I tell you? Is that gendarme looking at me? Let’s get outta here.”

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